


If You Ever Loved Me

by The_Forgotten_Nobody



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst, Contains sentences taken straight from the book, M/M, Minor AU, Spoilers for The Death Cure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 02:26:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2491049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Forgotten_Nobody/pseuds/The_Forgotten_Nobody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kill me, if you ever loved me, kill me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Ever Loved Me

**Author's Note:**

> So I read The Maze Runner Trilogy in under a week when I should have been doing university work. That's just how good those books are. This contains sentences straight from the book but I have not made them bold because it would look quite strange.

_Kill me, if you ever loved me, kill me._

No matter how hard he tried to ignore them, the words repeated through Thomas’ head as he struggled to convince Newt to come with him.  No, he told himself, he won’t kill Newt, can’t kill him.  In a last effort attempt to persuade Newt, Thomas said, “I’ll tie you up if it makes you feel better,” and he immediately knew that was the wrong thing to say.  His anger growing, Newt’s face hardened and his words were spoken with such rage and animosity that Thomas struggled to connect them with the warm, friendly boy he’d once known. 

Thomas felt like he had been stabbed in the chest. _He doesn’t mean it,_ Thomas told himself even though he was having a difficult time believing it.  That wasn’t Newt talking.  Newt would never say that to him.  “Newt…”

Newt started blaming him for the maze and though Thomas knew it was true, felt guilty about it every day, it hurt that the one person who told him he had nothing to feel bad about was now accusing him.  “You fooled me well, you did,” Newt continued. “Should’ve thrown you down in the Box hole!”

Newt began advancing on him and though Thomas wanted to reach out to him, pull Newt against his body like he had done so many times before, he knew there was no way Newt would let that happen.

“I’m gonna blast him!” Lawrence yelled from the van.  “Get out of the way!”

Fear gripped Thomas.  He can’t let Newt get hurt.  He span around and shouted, “Don’t!  It’s just me and him. Don’t do anything!”  He turned back to Newt.  “Newt, stop.  Just listen to me.   I know you’re okay in there and that there’s still a part of you that loved me.  Enough to at least hear me out.”  Thomas had to have faith that everything that came out of Newt’s mouth was a part of the disease eating away at his brain.  He didn’t know what he’d do if his and Newt’s relationship was just another lie. 

“I hate you Tommy,” Newt argued, now only a few feet away.  Although it didn’t sound like Newt was ready to comply with Thomas’ wishes just yet, the use of the nickname gave him a slimmer of hope.  The Newt he knew was in there somewhere, he just had to try harder. 

Before he could say anything, Newt continued speaking.  “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!  After all I did for you, after all the freaking klunk I went through in the bloody maze, you can’t do the one and only thing I asked you to do.  I can’t even look at your ugly shuck face, let alone believe I shuckin kissed it.  I never loved you, and I bet you never even loved me.  Probably a trick from you and your WICKED friends.”

“Newt, just listen to me,” Thomas pleaded.  “If there’s one thing you should believe, it’s that I loved you.  That moment when you held me after I came back from the maze the first time and kissed me is the best memory I have in my shuckin life.  Right next to you saying you loved me when we escaped.  So yeah,  go ahead and hate me but never, _never,_ doubt that I love you and that is why I couldn’t, can’t, kill you!” Thomas’ throat hurt from the shouting but he stilled carried on.  “They’re going to shoot you so please, just let me tie you up, do something.  Give me a chance!”  Somewhere along the way, tears had begun to run down Thomas’ cheeks but he didn’t care enough to try and stop them.

Newt was still and for a second, Thomas really thought Newt was going to agree.  Then he rushed towards him.  The shot of a Launcher just missed Newt as he collided with Thomas and even as he fell to the ground, Newt looking like he was ready to kill him, he couldn’t help but be believed the blast hadn’t struck the other boy.  Thomas’ back jarred upon impact to the dirt and he went completely on the defensive as Newt began to attack him. 

“Lies, all of it, lies!  I should rip your eyes out; teach you a lesson in stupidity.  Why’d you come over here?  You expected a bloody hug and a kiss?  Huh?  Expect things to just go back to like they were between us?  Well, that ain’t happening Tommy.”

The gun dug into Thomas’ side, reminding him of its deadly presence.  He couldn’t use it though, not yet, not ever. 

“You wanna know why I have this limp Tommy?  Did I ever tell you?  No, I don’t think I did.”

“What happened?” Thomas asked, stalling for time.  Perhaps if he waited long enough, New would have a moment of clarity that would allow Thomas to try and talk some sense into him.

Newt told Thomas of his suicide attempt and it made Thomas physically ache to know that it was his actions, his planning that drove Newt to do such a thing.  It seemed like the guilt would never disappear, only increase with each new revelation at what he’d done.  Thomas was glad once again that he’d never got his memories back.

The gun that Thomas had been trying to disregard was suddenly taken from him and pushed into his hand.  Newt then moved it so Thomas was effectively holding the weapon against the other boy’s head. “Now make amends.  Kill me before I become one of those cannibal monsters!”

Thomas tried to move the gun away but Newt's strength was too great. “No,” Thomas refused, his voice coming out as merely a croak. “I can’t Newt, I just can’t.  I love you.”

Unbelievably, Newt’s eyes softened but any hope Thomas had was dashed with what he said.  “Then do it.  If you love me, do it.  I want it.”  The softness disappeared.  “Kill me, you shuck coward.  Prove you can do the right thing.  Put me out of my misery.”

“No, I can’t…I can’t…”  Newt began to wrestle him for the gun, most likely aiming to do what Thomas himself couldn’t and he strived to keep a hold of it.  Stop Newt from trying to kill himself once again.  Their hands clawed at each other for sole purchase and Thomas thought he had just about got it.

Then a shot fired.

Thomas couldn’t move.  He didn’t know who had pulled the trigger but it didn’t really matter as Newt was falling atop of him.  Thomas felt like his heart had been stung by a million Grievers but then, Thomas saw something.  There was still the slight movement of Newt’s chest as he fell and his eyes weren’t yet lifeless.  Amazingly, Newt was still alive and he stared at Thomas through half lidded eyes.  Even more amazingly, Newt was smiling. 

It wasn’t the crazed smile that Thomas had seen on some of the other Cranks, but the smile that greeted Thomas when he’d returned alive from the maze, when he’d woken after being stung by the Griever, when Newt was about to tell him he loved him.  It was the smile that told him his Newt was back, however briefly. 

“I’m sorry Tommy,” Newt whispered, a dribble of blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth.  “I did love you, still do.  This was what I didn’t want to happen.”

“I’m sorry,” Thomas uttered.  Newt’s life was fading in front of him and that’s all he could think to say.  “I’m so sorry.”

“Aw, shut your shuck face,” Newt reprimanded then let out a wet cough.  For a moment, Thomas worried that he saw a spark of insanity but it quickly vanished when Newt smiled again. 

“You can still do it.  I’m dying anyway.  Be good if you were the last thing I saw.”

“I…I…”  To say he couldn’t, when Newt was already dying, would be an insult.  “Okay.”

Newt beamed at him even though Thomas felt sick inside.  He grabbed the gun which had been dropped by his side and with a trembling hand, lifted it. 

“I love ya Tommy.  Thank you.”  Newt’s head flopped down so it lay against Thomas’ chest, much as it had done most nights they’d slept together, curled against one another and trying to pretend that things were normal.  That there was a life out there for them.  Thomas felt a brush of lips against his chest, probably the closest Newt could manage to a kiss, and the tears flowed faster down his cheeks.  His vision was blurred as he held the gun against Newt’s head. 

“I’m gonna miss you,” he rasped.  Memories of their time together flew past in one long reel.  A part of him wished he could get rid of them but another knew he would treasure them forever. 

Thomas heard a muttered, “Good that,” before he pulled the trigger. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was slightly rushed and so there may be some mistakes. Tell me if there are. If any of you want to chat and talk about how amazing The Maze Runner is then I am sambiewisegamgee on tumblr!


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